Michael Moore: Savior of daytime TV?

Watch out! The world’s first oppositional-defiant adolescent with gray stubble is at it again, and I’m starting to feel just a teensy bit peevish about the whole thing.

This time, camera in hand, filmmaker Michael Moore herded some ailing 9/11 heroes to Cuba for the high-minded, humanitarian purpose of denigrating America’s healthcare system — which, unlike Cuba, is not free and therefore available to its citizens.

Here’s what gets me. I have three very strong-minded boys finally raised and out of the house (with very little bloodshed, I might add), and now I’m expected to endure Michael Moore lurching forth every twenty minutes to heap new abuses on the country that has protected and nurtured him all of his life?

I think I deserve a break.

This could mean no end in sight for all those poor, worn-out parents who are currently sitting on their know-it-all offspring, waiting for them to outgrow the propensity to waltz happily in front of Amtrak trains and then poke Mom and Dad in the eye for saving their lives.

That’s because we now have fifty-something Michael Moore, America’s living proof that some obnoxious brats never grow up.

And we know that a single aberrant manifestation of a dreaded but usually short-lived disorder could signal a new epidemic. After all, AIDs began with just one innocent little monkey and typhoid with a sweet-faced maid in England.

I can just see it now… the supportive website forums, self-help books, and docudramas on the Lifetime Channel as the disorder spreads through the population.

Soon we’ll be nostalgic for the good old days of daytime TV, e.g.: "Our experts help clueless parents figure out why their kid is too fat to cram into the car," or, "Alaska hauls forth another pathetic guy in her desperate 47th attempt to identify her baby’s father."

Instead we’ll have, "My self-perpetuating oppositional-defiant adolescent, now 65, insists that, even after millions murdered and starved, Soviet-style socialism is what we want for America! Who will save him from himself when Mommy and Daddy are dead?"

I can just see the listing on the Lifetime website: "Explosive new drama, based on a true story! This poignant made-for-TV presentation will dramatize Michael Moore’s struggles with Self Perpetuating Adolescent Rebellion Disorder (SPARD), as manifested by his puppy-dog-like adoration for anyone who hates America.

Don’t forget the Kleenex as Michael, trapped in the hallucinatory bonds of SPARD, declares that Cuba is a Caribbean paradise, Fidel Castro a benevolent Santa Claus, and America a reincarnation of the Third Reich.

Find out if the poignant pleas of many (some of them strangely exhausted, sunburned, and wet) can break through Moore’s powerful compulsion to malign his own country and those who really love him.

Actually, there could be a silver lining. Michael Moore may breathe new life into daytime television… and TV Guide.

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